PART 14:
That buys you one true thing. She wondered what it said about the hails that even their honesty came priced. You loved her too. Marin said, “That’s not a thing to be ashamed of in front of me. I’ve got a kid I send cards to that don’t get answered. I know about loving where you can’t keep it.” Sloan’s eyes shone hard and bright, and she blinked it down the way a professional blinks down anything.
“I’ll end the deal this morning,” she said. “There’s a way to do it that costs them more than it costs us. I’m good at my job. She crossed to the door, paused with her hand on the frame, and for once her heels said nothing at all. For what it’s worth, Miss Cole, sign the real contract, not for the money, so that when those people come for you, and they will, you’ve got an office full of lawyers between you and the gate instead of a handshake.
Let me protect you. It’s the only apology I’ve got that’s worth anything. And she went and a moment later faint through the house, the front door opened on the morning and the cicas roared in and were shut out again. Julian let out a breath. She just apologized, he said, sounding stunned. Sloan doesn’t apologize.
Sloan manages. People do all kinds of things they don’t do when somebody finally tells the truth in the room. Marin said it’s catching like a yawn. She reached for the coffee pot, then didn’t because her hands had started to shake now that the worst of it was out. The courthouse photo loose in the air of a billionaire’s kitchen and the sky not fallen.
Julian, I have to tell you the part Sloan didn’t get to because she’d have led with it if she had it. She made herself meet his eyes. I can’t keep doing this if it puts June in a headline. I’ve already been the reason one child got photographed in a courthouse hall. I won’t be the reason a second one gets photographed through a fence.
The lie rose up in her, old and certain, in her own sister’s voice and her own. You love them and then you lose them. Every time. It is the one thing you do. Maybe I should go while it’s just a week while nobody’s printed anything yet. She packed in the cold of the east room with the sprinklers coming back on outside.
slow rainbows wheeling over the lawn she’d sat beside with her feet in the warm pool water two days and a lifetime ago. Two duffel bags, the same socks. She found the folded card in the drawer. The number on the contract still stands and left it face down where it was because it had never been the number. June was in the doorway when she turned around.
The child had her mother’s cracked phone in one hand, dark now, and Marin’s unbuttoned cardigan still bunched in the other from the night before, and she stood very still and watched the duffel bags the way she’d watched the woman in the linen blazer back out of Gloria’s, the way she watched all the leaving in her short, loud life. Hey, button.
Marin’s voice came out wrong, and she fixed it. I’m not. I’m just sorting socks. You’d be amazed how a sock situation gets away from a person. June looked at the bags. Then she looked at Marin and she said in the small cracked voice she had spent two months not using. You’re going to leave like the others. It was not a question this time.
It was the fact she’d been waiting to be proven right about her whole grieving life. and she laid it down flat between them, and Marin felt it go into her like the cold of the marble underfoot. June, they all go. The child’s chin did not wobble. That was the unbearable part. The same dryeyed steadiness her grandmother wore.
Learned young, learned wrong. Mama went and the ladies go and daddy goes on Thursday and grandma goes in her room. Everybody goes. She held up the dark phone. So I keep this because it can’t go. It already went so it can’t again. She set it down on the cream colored chair very gently as though it were the one fixed star.
You can go. I’m not going to hold your apron. I learned not to. And she turned to walk back down the hall, six years old, the loose ribbon undone again at the back of her head. And something in Marin Cole came apart that no number and no headline and no courthouse had ever managed to touch. I learned not to, too, Marin said.
June stopped. I learned the exact same thing you did a long time before you. Marin went down to the floor right there among the duffel bags so she wasn’t looming. So it was just two people low on the cold ground. I had a little boy once, not mine the regular way, mine the way that counts. And I lost him because I loved him too loud.
And after that, I made myself a rule, same as yours. Don’t hold the apron. Don’t reach for the good thing because reaching is how it gets grabbed back. Her own voice cracked now and she let it. I’ve kept that rule 11 years, button. I waited tables and I went home alone. And I never once let myself want to stay anywhere.
And then a girl walked across a parking lot in the heat and held up a ribbon. And I have been breaking my own rule a little more every single day since. And it has scared me worse than anything in that file. June stood in the doorway with her back half turned, exactly her father’s posture, doing her hardest, listening sideways.
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